zortharg's game Reviews on Newgrounds

[Ucogi - Solitaire Quest]

Great. A mediocre story is "enhanced" by forcing me to play the most boring game ever invented - over and over again - between every page of the story to get to the next one. What, to liven it up? The same reason the chick's got ridiculously huge breasts I guess, anything to misdirect you from being bored. You know what? NEEDS MORE COWBELL! I do like how the "ghosts" look like Orko from He-Man though. All you Millennials, you weren't born yet for that. I wonder if the creator did that deliberately or if it's a coincidence. I vowed never to play windows solitaire again after winning it 8 times in a row, I thought that was a worthy end to it. So been there, done that. Hey HERE'S an idea. A story which has a game of MINESWEEPER in between every minimal story development! THAT would be a marginal improvement I think!

[Babushka]

I'm all for games where you have to think outside the box - and suddenly giving granny the ability to multiple-jump/fly once she has to get past spikes and whatnot in dungeons is a good touch.... partially because it doesn't take TOO long to discover accidentally that you have that new ability, while before you were doing things limited to jumping when she's supported only by having her chin on a shelf or more possible maneuvers. But the last 2 levels.... the 2nd to last one, with the woman suspended from chains saying "get out, there's nothing interesting here" and you just stand there and do nothing while you wait for 10 cats to fall from above, and trying to get past that rotating grinding gear being a red herring, not a fan of that. And the last one. I don't have any idea what to do there. When these games require you to stumble upon a black swan event to proceed, that's just poor conceptualization in the game design. What am I supposed to do when apparently the space bar (and the a button which lets me restart the level or go back to the menu) is the only thing that has an effect, which just makes her jump/fly and there's nothing to do in the room? That's no fun. NOT a lot of laughs. So what do I do to win the last level? I've wasted enough of my life already trying to find that out.

immor7al, spiderman can't fly....

[Orbital Debris]

I said to myself I would quit when I lasted a minute, and then suddenly I lasted 104.15 seconds so I made it to 100 and not just 60. But it looked like Firefox was about to crash when it really got a lot of crap on the screen. It slowed way down. There were LOTS on the screen.

Problems with the physics I want to remark on: There is no "momentum" carrying you to a higher circular orbit. In other words, a satellite in orbit but moving away from the Earth at the moment, shouldn't spiral out from the planet! There are circular orbits and elliptical orbits and hyperbolic orbits. Also, when you ARE in a circular orbit, your orbital speed should be LESS when you're at a higher altitude. It's bad enough that it follows a circular path with constant angular rotation speed but with the radius of the circle having "momentum", but at least have orbital speed decrease with the square root of the distance.

What an incompetent planet of people. They can't launch 4 satellites into orbit without 2 of them having a collision course. This must be after George W. Bush is put in charge of NASA.

[Trapped 5]

I have completely exhausted all possibilities. The only remote possibilities are the room 1 left and below the starting room, which has a door which expects a password which I don't have, and the special blocks with checkmark characters on them which turn red briefly when you detonate a bomb next to them. But dozens of bombs don't blow them up. I have not found a blank key to turn into an orange key with 50 coins in the shop. I eventually bought the complete map, which was completely useless, and also left me with less than 50 coins so even if I did find the blank key I couldn't get it since I've killed all enemies in all accessible rooms so there's no more coins to be had without getting access to more rooms. But that's not possible anyway, since there is none in any of the accessible rooms. I'm SOL and I'm tired of this.

MakeItSoGames responds:

You get the password after you beat the first boss.

[Think Up]

Oofta. I'm not going to go for the "beast" achievement. Even I'm not awesome enough to do that without being committed to it. And I'm not committed to it, I'd rather forget all about this game thank you very much. But I got all 7 of the other things. The only regret is that it's not possible to kill all the bats because some of them are in places you can't squeeze boxes into.

[Rooftop Challenge]

Playing this POS makes me want to play the REAL Canabalt game again. Seriously. What's the point of making a less good remake of a game that already exists? What. Do you need someone to give you ideas for a game? If I could actually write a program that didn't fall to pieces because it has bugs in it that I can never figure out, one thing I would not be deficient in is ideas for game premises. That's the easy part.

[A Ghostly Journey]

It's too much. I'm tired of this game. It's the same thing over and over for too long. And I don't even know whether I'm doing what I should. The first time I played it, I saw I had the option to go in the Church and I did. I possessed priests and chained guys on the wall and got tired of the game eventually and quit. Then I came back. The second time, I didn't go in the Church, but instead I went into the portal outside it, and I went somewhere completely else and many, many levels later, I was not getting back to the Church, I didn't end up going in the Church at all. Should I have gone in the Church? I don't know. Other branching options occurred too. Was I supposed to choose one? I don't know. It's just too tedious. Back in the old days when the internet was not commercialized or even yet named the internet, and my video game experience was an atari 2600 or commodore 64, I would have killed for this game, but that's because the games back then were largely even more tedious. I don't like to do the same thing over and over again without any end in sight when it isn't something I like in the first place.

[Cyroad]

Ehh. A lot like "missile game 3D". If it took 20 frigging minutes for it to build up to a speed which is actually competitive. And was designed to give me motion sickness. Also, I hate hate hate how the whole background rotates counterclockwise when I go to the right and clockwise when I go to the left. If I want to be seasick, I'll jump off a building. Or try to sleep in a moving car. Or play indestructotank. But I don't want to be seasick, you see.