zortharg's game Reviews on Newgrounds

[Double Panda]

Frigging double advertisement to play double panda. As soon as it finally ends with the rotten bf goodrich ad which I had to wait 30 seconds to skip, did it load the game? Nooo, it loaded ANOTHER ad!

Also, red pandas and giant pandas have about as much to do with each other as leopards and leopard seals. It's just an unfortunate name. Also I don't believe for a moment they can't swim if they have to. But whatever. I'm just annoyed with the game because I've grown tired of it. Which is the real reason I'm not so impressed. It's just not an inspiring game that makes me want to play any more. So much for that fortune that I would submit an impressive score.

[100% Complete]

Whew. There must be some supersecret action I'm not hitting on. I can't get the clock, the cellphone or the lightbulb (45, 50 or 25) and I've exhaustively gone everywhere in all combinations with flying and the green glasses, gone through every green block, fallen in every pit, systematically starting from top left working my way clockwise at all decision forks so I know I haven't missed anything. But there's SOMETHING I'm missing I guess.

Update.... found it. It's in the hole in the ceiling above the room you get to when you go to the right from the main menu. I must have missed it before.

Basically a clone of achievement unlocked. S'ok.

[Wikipedia Portal Toy]

I think it ought to go to a bunch of fake wikipedia pages that give totally bogus data under some inputs. Or actual pages as they were at times. I'll never forget the day I looked up Lithuania and it began with "Lithuania sucks fuck them".

But then I'm a bit cynical. And it doesn't need to conform to my twisted whims.

[Raccoon's Towel]

Not enough chance to fail to win the game, and the "puzzles" really solve themselves just by clicking randomly and since the solutions are arbitrary, that's all you can really do. So I'm not really impressed. But I guess it works, and that's better than half the games on newgrounds.

[Asslevania: SOTB]

Exactly what I would expect from a sexuallobster video game. I fired all the crosses at the naked lady form of dracula (chocula heh heh) before discovering that you're supposed to whip her breasts. Great. Well. So I did that.

Frigging slimer. Die slimer. I'd really like to kill slimer but alas, you can't kill the ghosts.

Oh good grief. I see now why cupcake mode is called cupcake mode. How the hell could it be possible to do it in "real" mode, all on one heart. Taking damage at least against Slimer is completely unavoidable. Slimer is just too damn fast. Eh, enough of this. I won it, albeit on cupcake mode, I don't need to spend any more time on it. It's the sort of "play once and never again" sort of thing. Some things, are good or ok, but only if you do it once. This is one of them. Like a mystery. It's no good watching or reading a mystery a second time, no matter how good it was. So I give it 4 stars. But all the same, I'm done with this shit.

deathink responds:

It's tough beating it on real mode, but man when you do, you will feel like you are on top of the world.

[Blackjack: 21 Classic]

If you DON'T know the RULES, then DON'T make it into a damn game!

You're supposed to see the dealer's first card, dumbass! Not even seeing the dealer's first card pushes the odds from slightly in favor of the dealer to heavily in favor. Now if you want to make this work, you could have a betting system, where if you win even under these conditions, maybe you win 2.3 times your money back - so you bet 10, and you get back 23 if you win. That would be interesting. But don't you dare call it classic 21 blackjack if you do. And that isn't what you did anyway.

[BlackJack with vampire]

You lose half a star because of how it says "vampire have X" rather than "vampire has X", I look at bad English in an English game with disdain. You lose another half a star because if you end up with a dollar amount which is not a multiple of 5 as a result of getting blackjack while betting an odd multiple of 5 dollars, you can be left with for instance 2 dollars, and be unable to proceed. You lose when you get to 0, but if you're left with 2 dollars, you're unable to proceed because the bet always must be a multiple of 5. But this is not a critical error compared to the problems with MOST of the blackjack games on Newgrounds, doing things like only counting aces as 1, or the dealer not hitting on hands less than 17 because it's higher than the player's hand.

Other than that, what the hell are the other reviewers EXPECTING? It's blackjack. That's ALL there is to the game. That's all it ever was. That's all it could have been. That's what it is. If you want something else, then don't play blackjack. The best blackjack game ever, masque blackjack for DOS, has lousy graphics and no music. But it's not about the graphics or music. It's the best because it's a very good BLACKJACK game, not a very good music box, and it's instructional about how to count cards and it has a mode where it tells you your exact odds based on the cards that have come up already and what you should be betting each hand based on it. So what do you idiots want, you want the vampire to make out with you every time you win or some crap?

[Vegas Strip Blackjack]

Simple, actually functional, though not especially exciting or interesting. But still, just by not having bugs, I give it a high rating, because so many of the bj games here are no good, and do things like the dealer standing on 14 or counting aces only as 1 and not as 11 or calling it a player loss if it's a push. Cakkertje I'll tell you the point of having 10k instead of 10. Because you can't bet a tenth of a cent, that's why. You must bet in denominations of 1 dollar. So if you have 10 dollars, you're likely to not be playing very long, but if you have 10k, you can bet 1 dollar, or 100, and you can count, meaning you can bet 100 on the hands where the odds are in your favor and 1 on the hands that aren't, but if you have to bet 10% of your bankroll because that's the minimum bet, that's a problem.

What's this thing about the normal vs. expert skill level though? The dealer doesn't have a choice as to what to do. It's not the dealer's wits against mine, the dealer must follow certain rules and there is no difficulty level. This is another reason why Cakkertje's comment is wrong and stupid, he's got no business saying the CPU sucks and the opponent isn't "hard" enough. It's not a game of chess pal. You're not playing against an "opponent". The dealer hits on 16 or less and stands on 17 or more. That's it. There's no hard or easy to it.

[Total Blackjack]

What a SURPRISE. Yet another blackjack game that doesn't work right. I had 13 and the dealer showed a 5. I stood. And guess what. The dealer had a 9, which gave it 14 total. And guess what else. The dealer STOOD. On FOURTEEN! And 14 beats 13, apparently. What a sham. The dealer is not allowed to stand on 14! The dealer doesn't have a choice on what to stand on, to stand just because its hand is higher than mine. It must hit on 17 or more. Some places, they have the dealer hit on a soft 17. But there is no leeway on hitting on 14. Another epic fail.