zortharg's game Reviews on Newgrounds

[Secret Frozen Kitten]

Worst video game music ever. Also I have NO interest in playing it after 2 minutes of this.

LTPATS responds:

Inuit throat singing:

http://youtu.be/qnGM0BlA95I?t=1m

[Super Card Guess]

Submit score doesn't work. I don't have enough interest to actually try counting cards and do better than simply guessing bigger if it's 2 through 7 and smaller if 9 through ace and MAYBE trying to guess higher on 8 iff more low cards have been used up already. Or finding out what the benefit is from guessing "same", how many points that gets you.

[FatKidFallingDownStairs]

Heavycannontank is mostly right. I DID look at the tutorial. And you know what? When I successfully get past the boxes of fine china by hitting the right arrow key when he's in contact with the stairs, he gets past it, and then even though he doesn't TOUCH it, going completely over it, the box STILL tumbles and the event takes out one of the health hearts. I'm guessing he thought it didn't respond to the controls at ALL because if you start pressing the appropriate key while he's still slightly in the air and simply hold it down the whole time he's in contact with the stairs, so if you haphazardly pressed keys, you might not think it does anything because if you start holding it while he's still in the air, THEN the controls actually do nothing, and it is accompanied by a buzzing sound. But no, even when I do it right, only pressing the key when he's in contact with the solid ground, it doesn't work in the way as I already described. Which makes it doubly impossible since apparently fine china is the most common obstacle. It works fine for going under chandaliers, but one won't last very long if getting past the most common obstacle fails no matter what you do. The game is a failure. A game with a bug that makes it difficult in unintended ways is bad and annoying and qualifies it possibly as a "rage game", but who needs to play a game with a bug that makes it impossible.

[Zombie Apocalypse Quiz]

What I don't understand is why it rated me 4%, "walking meat". I didn't let 0.1 second pass to click on the zombie after it appeared in the reflex test, and most of my answers such as my physical condition, knowledge of explosives. By the way, gun powder IS an explosive, albeit not a high explosive, so it ought not be mentioned separate from explosives. Although it thinks I'm too old to be optimal, though I am nothing like normal for a human of my age. I live alone which is the best answer supposedly. I certainly disagree that a crowbar is the best weapon. What a joke. I think this is what's going on here: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/GunsAreWorthless - in reality, if you want to destroy their brains, a handgun would be the best thing to have. It disagreed with me that fleeing is the best course of action. Again, a break between reality and fiction. Anyone who has ever played a first person shooter knows that camping in one spot is not a good survival strategy. You want to get away from the zombies? Get away from the zombies. Suppose you hole yourself up in your house or go to the pub and the government NUKES the town you're in? What, you think that wouldn't happen in real life if there was a serious zombie thing going on? I can respect that it didn't like I was a lone wolf. But I'm not going to lie and say I'm a happy little pumpkin in a team, just like I'm not going to lie about my age. Walking or bicycling are the best choices? Have you ever tried to get from one town to the next on foot? Or are you just imagining that the utility of greater than using a car? Because cars were INVENTED for a REASON. And apparently the maker of this quiz doesn't know that reason. It doesn't matter if the traffic on the outgoing interstate is heavy, you won't beat it by frigging walking, even if you're like me and can easily run 5+ miles! If I eat too little, I'll get sick? HA! I fasted for 22 days, from December 31, 2013 to January 22, 2014, and on the evening of January 16, in preparation of ending my fast, I carried 70 pounds of groceries for over 2 miles in a rucksack. I don't get sick as a result of eating light so don't call me walking meat for THAT. By the way, what use would knowledge of first aid be, if anyone who is bitten is a lost cause unless limbs are lopped off instantly? It doesn't matter, I said I had a lot of knowledge.

And then the second time taking it, it changed the number from 4% to 81%, even though I only answered one or 2 questions marginally differently. And I took more like 1/6 of a second to click on the zombie at the end instead of 1/20 of a second. What gives. Is this thing just random? Ah well, what could I expect.

[Slit Your Wrists!]

Sufficient blood loss! Congratulations, I committed suicide, no one will remember me! Huzzah!

Just the right level of difficulty, so it takes a couple tries to win. Or lose. Depending on how you count it. Of course the real way to do it is to lie down in a bathtub with a canister of argon gas lying on your chest and to turn on the flow valve.

I wonder if this game has a message. Perhaps that there is no victory. I was thinking of a similar possible game. The game is, it's a simulation game where you eat the right things and do the right things and your character lives to 100. And the PRIZE for WINNING? You get to be infirm, powerless, hideous, sickly and unhappy for possibly at most a few more years. Hurray!

[Stab Harry Potters Face]

What can I say. It delivers what it promises. Rate it down if you will, but it's exactly what it says on the label, and it's about as good as it could be, given all it could have been.

What raptorblah, can't one hate Harry Potter AND Justin Bieber? And Macaulay Culkin while one is at it? Oh, and the Olsen Twins! I hate them too!

[I wanna be the flash game]

Well I'm giving up with the skeleton with horns that says "run coward, I am in a star, I hunger" and "beware, I live". I shoot it and shoot it and dodge it, and dodge the icicles and survive several cycles but it's not enough, the bullets seem to do nothing. But NOW, it's getting all jerky and I press the E button over and over again and it hardly ever shoots. I can never even get to the skeleton now, because you need to shoot the red sphere thing first a certain number of times, and I press the E button over and over again and maybe it shoots once in 5 seconds, and looks like firefox is about to crash. So I'm DONE with this. It's been buggy all through it. More and more, I'd press the W button in midair and it would NOT let me do the double-jump. It would just stall.

By the way. I'd tell you why this is an insult to the triple gear music and an inferior application for its use, but THERE'S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN!

Spimlaf22, no one believes you. You can't even spell personal. Even if you did it in 13 deaths, you would take way longer than 12 minutes. Unless you mean 12 hours. In which case, you must have moved very slowly and carefully if it was that few deaths in that much time.

[Ventures Of ♛Cyberdevil]

Oh, another one of THOSE games. Yeah, I don't think someone who says "Jump exactly 23 time" or "My head's paining" is qualified to tell me I have an IQ of negative 400 something.

7777777.... Duke? DUKE? You think that's Duke Nukum? Oh that's sad. That's the frigging Doom guy! Everyone knows that! What the hell. And it's ID software, not 3d realms.

Greigh you have to jump 24 times. It's a stupid trolling game, remember that. Not even to the level of the "I wanna be the" series or cat mario. I think whoever made this was thinking that "go" meant jump again. So jump 23 times and go would mean jump 23 times and then jump a 24th time and land on the flag.

DIWAKAR responds:

The jump counter skips from 9 to 11 Thus its 24

[Pac-Orange]

Meh. It's buggy and just "you're an apple" ain't good enough. He needs to be going "nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh!" when he's just cruising forward or something, and have a repertoire of things he says when he dies, and things he says when he eats the ghosts. As for why I say it's buggy, after he eats a ghost, he disappears for several seconds and that's, well..... ANNOYING!

[Orange Roulette]

Hardcore. I'd like to see the annoying orange get its brains blown out, ha ha. But it actually is an interesting question in game theory. What is the procedure to maximize your probability. Given that you're allowed to spin the cylinder once during the course of the game, and that you can shoot your opponent but then you're forced to shoot yourself if it isn't the bullet then. Clearly for instance, if there have been 5 firings so far, you should shoot your opponent. And you can expect your opponent to follow the same. Therefore, if there are 4 left, you should shoot your opponent, because shooting yourself is a lose-lose scenario: if the bullet is in the 5th chamber, you die when you shoot yourself but if not then your opponent is going to shoot you. So you have a 0% chance of winning if you shoot yourself on #5 if you shoot yourself, and a 50% chance if you shoot your opponent. But then if there are 3 left, you can expect your opponent to follow this rule and make it so he's got a 50% chance - which means if you shoot yourself on #4, then you have a 2 in 3 chance of killing yourself because you die if the bullet is in #4 OR in #5, but you also have a 2 in 3 chance if you shoot your opponent because then you die if the bullet is in #5 or in #6 but only win if it's in #4, so certainly that would be a good time to spin the barrel again, to reset the odds to closer to 1 in 2 instead of 1 in 3 against your favor. But maybe it's better to use up your spin earlier? When is it the best time to use up your spin of the chamber? It also means that if you go 2nd and your opponent first shoots himself, your odds are 3 in 5 if you shoot your opponent instead of yourself. Which means that the one who goes first has a 2 in 3 chance of losing if his first move is to shoot himself! Disregarding incorporating spinning the chamber into your strategy that is. Clearly whoever goes first has a disadvantage if his first move is to shoot himself. You've got a 1 in 2 chance no matter what you do if it's firing #3. Or any odd number. So the game theory strategy is to always shoot your opponent first. Use up an even number of firings. Again, disregarding incorporating spinning the chamber into your strategy. Unfortunately, I'm so supernaturally unlucky that I had to play each of them an average of 3 or 4 times before I won them, I had to kill myself over 20 times to win the game, so I don't have a hope of winning the "iron orange" version. To a normal person the odds should be roughly but a little worse than 1 in 64 of winning all 6 (1 in 729 if your first move is always to shoot yourself and your opponent follows the game theory optimal strategy) but to me I might as well buy a lottery ticket. Well, the long rally in the "overripe" achievement apparently refers to the number of trigger pullings (because we both spun the chamber), not the number of sequential matches won, so I managed to get that achievement.

Well, anyway, bottom line, always shoot your opponent first. The odds are 50% if it has been shot 0, 2, 3 or 4 times, but in your favor 60% if shot 1 time already and 100% if 5 times, but if you shoot yourself first, your odds are 33%.

I like the music. It really fits the situation.