zortharg's game Reviews on Newgrounds

[Tasty Planet]

Meh. One of those games. You know, this is technically wrong in SO many ways. First off, moving around on the ground or around a microscope slide is one thing, but it violates conservation of momentum for it to just "move" through space. You move by pushing something the other way, and when walking that's the ground, when swimming, the water, but that won't work in space. Also, it makes absolutely no sense that it can either eat or not eat something based on whether it's bigger or not. Frankly if I was bigger than the thing and I ATE it, I would expect IT to eat me from the inside out. Hell, that's what happened with the lab assistant came in contact with it - at that time he was way bigger than it, but then what did it do? It went and ate his individual cells which were still smaller. How come he gets reconstructed into individual cells, but when it comes to a cat or a dog, it's all or nothing, either it's bigger than the whole cat or not. Also, the bullets. Those are some slow bullets the cops shoot. The creature can move faster than them. Why should they hurt it when it bumps into them if it's already faster than them, that means it's already moving against the ground faster than the bullet hits it and the ground doesn't hurt it. And it shouldn't make the thing smaller. And don't even get me started about the ending there.

Well, whatever. What do I expect, I guess. The real reason to downrate it is that it is completely devoid of any sort of intelligent strategy, the way to win it. It's a non-game. A time waster. Nothing to think about, no skill required (just move in the direction of the nearest thing which is smaller than you - but oh it doesn't even stop there, it actually gives you an ARROW to POINT you to it to put your mind at ease as to whether it's small enough). And not the best such "game" around either. I'd defer to infectonator world dominator if I wanted that. At least then I get the michael jackson zombie doing his little thriller dance, that was cool. But I'm done with that turkey. Which means I'm certainly done with this one.

[Jazz21]

Grrr! I want to be able to choose to get a damn key instead of resetting the discard pile if I want to! Damn this thing! Out of keys and what did it just do? WHAT did it just do? It reset the discard pile when I had FOUR LEFT! This game makes me angry!

[2048]

Intolerable game. Since the sum of all the numbers on the screen only goes up by 2 every time, that means you expect me to play this for bare minimum 1024 moves. Ain't gonna happen. Especially since it won't let me slide things the direction I want to slide them half the time, I try to slide 2 things together and it's like "no, I think I'd rather you didn't do that" and it forces me to either do nothing or move in a different direction.

[Effing Worms 2]

Ohhh.... you can die in a rampage. I was totally misled. I thought the whole point of "rampage" was that it didn't take any damage during it. Otherwise, what's the difference between the normal state of status quo? Eh, I am not inclined to start over the whole game, it wasn't exactly fulfilling.

[D-Pression]

Nice. Good music to go with it too. I like the dark atmosphere. A good puzzle game on its own accord, but it's all about the dark atmosphere. Though I didn't understand a word of the narration. But then I don't believe seeing life as a pit of hopeless despair is necessarily a sign of neurons misfiring in any pathological way, because that's the way it is. Beavis and Butthead said it best. Life sucks, and then you die. And I wouldn't accuse someone who ends it early instead of hiding in the corner from the grim reaper all his life of having made an irrational or wrong decision there. As a matter of fact, the time draws near that I'm going to do that myself.

LucidShadowDreamer responds:

Thanks, I'm glad you like the music and the athmosphere!

The narration might be a bit odd at times, I agree :p

Well, real depression is a real disease, there's no question about it :(
I think one can view life as bad even if one isn't suffering from it, but then you'd have to live under pretty poor conditions. I'm actually a bit cynical myself, but I wouldn't go as far as saying that life always sucks, but I guess that it's different for all people.

I wouldn't necessarily accuse someone who ends his/her life early, but I would pity them. I think that there are only a handful of good reasons to die, but I do support euthanasia in those specific cases. I don't feel like depression is one of them though, since it seriously affects your line of thinking. If you can't rationalize properly (although you might think you can; one pretty much always feels like one does, even if that's not always true). To think that you know whether you'll want to live ten years from now, is not much unlike thinking you'll drive super well when you're drunk; it just aint so :/

And I think that hiding from the grim reaper might not be as cowardly as hiding from life :) I'm not saying that all people who commit suicide are cowards, but all of them are certainly not brave. Some people don't do it for irrational reasons, especially if they have a horrible uncurable disease, but thinking life sucks usually isn't one of them :p
I hope you'll think twice about forcing the grim reaper to come to you on beforehand, instead of welcoming him with open arms when he comes for you; if not for yourself, then for others. I can't say I have all the wisdom in the world, but I know more than most about issues like this :(
That is also why I chose to end the game in a postitive light :3

[The Blind Swordsman]

Sigh. I remember thinking while playing mortal kombat deception I think it was, playing kenshi, and thinking "you know, he's supposedly blind, but I can see the screen just fine". There's a reason for that. That reason is, making the player ACTUALLY blind makes for a bland game. Because you really CAN'T play these things blind. That's the whole joke behind the "Blind kung fu master" bobby lee mad tv sketches (which are all brilliant and you should all definitely watch right away if you haven't seen them already). I feel like I'm being the but of everyone's jokes just by playing this. Seriously, why would the opponents be like yelling "I'm attacking you now, aaaaahhhh!" He has to rely on that - and of course to repeatedly lose and try again, which you can't do in real life. For crying out loud, if I was fighting an alleged blind fighting master I'd be quiet and I'd frigging destroy him. It's a cute idea, but that's all it is.

[Stack Bunnies]

One complaint. The big rabbit you defeat in the last level, it takes SO LONG to kill it, I had concluded that I simply wasn't doing any damage and needed to find some special trick to kill it. But no, it just has a LOT of hit points. You need to give SOME KIND of indication that you're actually doing damage to it. Because you shouldn't have to just shoot at something for 5 minutes not knowing if you're making progress of if you've been bamboozled into doing the dumb thing. Like the final boss in the original Commander Keen, is a vorticon that isn't affected no matter how many times you shoot it, you have to get to the top of the screen and shoot a chain that's holding up a giant platform which falls down and crushes him, but if you were just dumb and kept shooting him, your laser would just run out of power. I think. Damn, was there limited firing in that game, I don't remember, it's only been like 22 years, ha ha. But bottom line - maybe make the giant rabbit visibly take damage if it isn't going to have a power/life bar, or something. Or just not have it take so damn long. As a trade off, you could make its offensive attack higher, because as long as it took, it was still easy, because as long as you keep a steady stream of fire on it, it will stay on the right side of the screen apparently.

[Besterest Game Ever Made]

The best space slash dinosaurs game ever made is in fact "Effin Meteors". This isn't even a mediocre april fools gag.

[Cat-O-Blue 2-Player Game!]

Needs more mortal kombatish music.

[Repeat]

I suppose if I didn't want to play a horrible boring monotonous game I shouldn't have played one called "repeat". What can I say. I was hoping it was an ironic name. Like "Little John". Oh, and the music really fits with it.