zortharg's game Reviews on Newgrounds

[Shave the Wurst]

In my humble opinion, Conchita Wurst doesn't need a shave. Conchita Wurst really just should wear a Burger King crown. And dress in a long flowing Jesus-robe.

Intolerable - I did a few, and then wanted to go back to the spin wheel because I figured I would be able to do a level select and try some other ones because I got one I wasn't excited about, and it MADE ME START FROM THE BEGINNING! With the same ones I had already done. Oh HELL no. It was boring enough the first time. You need a proper level select. But failing in that, at LEAST for it to not erase my progress just by LOOKING for one! This game fails, that's what fails. Plus the sounds that go on in the background are really obnoxious.

[Quad Bubble Extreme]

Since time immemorial, man has asked himself the immortal question "how can I make tetris more boring than it already is?" And you have finally answered that question. Good job there. Hey I have an idea! Make them all the same color!

[Mouth]

Huh. I won. I didn't think that was ever going to win. Gee I wonder how I should celebrate. I know. I deserve a cigarette. Just kidding, I never smoked. This game kind of makes me want to just to spite it though.

[Pursuit of hat 2]

Dr. Seuss's worst nightmare, just like the first one, I'll say that, it creeps me the hell out. I guess you get credit just for that. It doesn't help that now the poles seem less inorganic mechanical and more phallic, or that instead of cannons I get the projectile diarrhea plants. But when I got to the first level where the hat wasn't stuck on the end of a pole and could start running away from me, things just got real there. Stupid purple fedora with a yellow ribbon, who would tear of their limbs for that.

14 is tricky, requiring you to have your legs to wade through the sticky stuff and therefore use an arm to hold the button down, which is not automatic because of the order it rips its limbs off is legs first. 15 is trickier, that one is a masterwork puzzle. 16 is just unpleasant because you have to do repeated actions which are touch and go and you have to start over if one of them goes wrong (like if your torso falls back down from the ledge - so only propel your arms up there so there's less junk up there, you don't need your legs to repel on the line anyway), but I am completely exhausted of ideas for 17. It doesn't seem there is anything I can do from the lower ledge, the gap is too far to jump to the right, I can't get to the upper ledge and even if I could, I don't see how it would help me. I've tried what little I can think of that I can do and it's to no avail. Then again I was stuck on something in the first game at one point too and then I did it later so who knows. Probably not because I don't want to ever do 16 again. Also I don't want to have to upgrade flash so I can't see the walkthrough, and I'm strongly averse to doing that in general in the first place, so I guess that's it for me.

[Stop The FCC]

What are you so afraid of? Camcost? Vernighson? When has there ever been a prohibition against using ACTUAL names of things in a political cartoon? Look at a list of the most famous political cartoons ever and you'll see them unafraid to say "this guy's an asshole" or "this political party is crazy" and to actually spell the guy's name right and the party or trust or whatever it is they're mocking. Why do you need to spell it right? Because I know Camcost is Comcast, but I don't know what or who the hell Vernighson is and I can't look him up because I don't know what it's SUPPOSED to be! Not unless it's as famous as coca cola can you get away with spelling it wrong. And also, no one can sue you for libel if you say something that is true - and if they did sue you for libel, unless it's for commercial purposes of your own (like pillsbury stopped advertising that toaster struedel tastes better than pop tarts - even though it's objectively true - because when it's for commercial purposes, it's different) the burden of proof would be on THEM to prove that what you said was NOT true, because only if they can PROVE it's not true can they call it libel. They can deny it all they want but you see a crime has not been committed if what you say is true so they must prove it isn't. It's only if you want to say something that is decidedly not true that you have to worry about that. Like if I said "FcFonalds puts orphan meat into their tasty hamburgers." That I have to spell wrong. Because it's a provable lie. It's a lie because their hamburgers aren't tasty. BAM! You see what I did there? But EVERYONE knows what I'm talking about. You can have someone oblivious to current events like me who doesn't know what you're talking about and if I want to research the topic, I CAN'T because I don't even know what I'm supposed to look for.

I want my tie back! I sold it for 5 bucks one slice at a time and I was ripped off!

[Fate Machine 1.0]

I never knew what my calling was before, but now I do. I am ToeJam, American Hobo, the most fucktarded Meister. My destiny.... is to re-invent all Hammer Time. I think I'll invent hammerspace while I'm at it. Except I'm going to call it katanaspace.

Either that, or I am Savage bin Suparman, the Cross-eyed peasant, and my destiny is to Give candy to Saddam Hussein. But first I'll need to invent a time machine, because he died in 2006.

Ooooh! I am Tom Hank Hill, the Killer catgirl, and my destiny is to.... get pregnant with a dozen Saiyans. But first, I think I'll have to change my name, because that one really doesn't become me. And would that be at the same time? Or spaced 9 months apart? Oh wait, maybe being a catgirl, I have a different biology. And good thing too, I have to hold up against those saiyans, they just can't resist me, being a killer catgirl, I'm just their type apparently, they ALL over me and I'm like "Nya! One at a time nya!"

I am now Gooky Tiddlybits the Very angry Jesus, and my destiny is now to draw penises on a pirate ship. Huh. What, are they all flamboyantly gay pirates, to commission such a thing? Oh. Of COURSE. Who ELSE. Jack Sparrow.

Johnny Steve, the weed-smoking Baron, and my destiny is to challenge cows. Wow. Talk about aiming your goals in life LOW.

I am Fuck-faced McBeard, the hentai drawing sky pirate. My destiny.... to pour codeine on Bolivia. Ok. That one's epic and to my taste. Im'a keepin that one.

I love the music. This is just great. It's the sort of thing an indy game (or application) SHOULD be. Low level, simple, not wasting a lot of space on needless complication that will just bore me. Just pure distilled epicness. Epicness. EPICNESS!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to procure some codeine and a new passport. Oh, and legally change my name. You can call me PROFESSOR McBeard, thank you very much.

[Ghostbusters B.I.P #1]

Well that was something different. Point of fact though, if you acknowledge "The Real Ghostbusters" TV show, there was actually an episode where they met a being on the level of Gozer who wasn't malevolent at all. The ancient god Marduk. And he basically went around acting like a superhero. Which no one had a problem with at first, but unfortunately another god Tiamat was not far behind.

A nice blast from the past here. Good use of the authentic music too. Though I'm not sure I recognize the music that plays when the girl first appears, though I like that one anyway. Not enough freedom of action though, and no reason to expect one action to produce better results than another. I got the bronze medal on the second one because I hurt the girl a little, but it's not like I was aiming the proton beam with the mouse or anything, I just asked the possessing ghost what it wanted and then said that I can't speak for or make promises on behalf of the whole human race.

Muja responds:

Yeah, I remember that episode...
However, the Real Ghostbustes TV show, especially the last seasons, were intended for a young audience.

That's why IDW publishing decided to ignore what happened in the show - save some minor reference for the fans - and I second that.

And yeah, this is not really a game so you won't find fast paced action in here or in the next episodes. But you still got to "think" a little to complete it.

For example: don't you know that you should NEVER use logic when talking to a ghost possessing a little girl? (lol)
The best way to go was to be accomodating until the right chance!

Thank you for your kind review! :)

[Dynamole]

Point of fact, it gave me the "20 or more worms" achievement and I just won it after having gotten 19 out of 30. Looks like an off by 1 error. At least.

Why the hell did the mole SET OFF the explosion? Stupid mole. You should make it more obvious at first that it is not an objective at all to avoid the dynamite. I thought at first that the explosions themselves would kill the mole.

For some reason I'm reminded of the mole final boss in the no time to explain game full release. Even though it wasn't a cyborg. I don't think. Must be because of the lava. What kind of a mole is digging around on the edge of the Earth's mantle? Some kind of supermole? That isn't hurt by being right next to exploding dynamite? No doubt.

I like how you respond to every comment. I wonder what you'll do when you get to my usual deluge of trite drivel. Let's find out (submit)!

Zanzlanz responds:

You got 20 worms at _some point_ in the game play, but upon dieing, missed one. You don't have to have an END score of 20 to get the achievement. I do make a hard effort to avoid those "less than [or equal to]" errors all programmers seem to run into. But now that I really think about it, the score should be calculated at the end. I'll change that right now.

I actually have no idea where the story came from. I was hoping not many people would question it... xD If I made a final version (for mobile, perhaps), I'd clarify that for sure! These Ludum Dare game competitions bring out the most random ideas from me. Why not, right?!

Ohhh wow "Not Time to Explain" looks intense!! Just by watching the trailer I can totally see the resemblance.

Also, for all we know, near Earth's mantle lives giant moles lining caves with TNT, only to trap themselves and have to escape an exploding mine before it's too late! Okay yeah this is ridiculous ;)

I appreciate your review, haha! Thanks for playing!

[SeppuKuties]

The Swain was the artist? No SHIT! Wow, I didn't see that coming, the maker of mastermind. But I did it swaintastically. 1-3, 1-4, 2-2, 3-3 and 5-2 had one death each. I suspect 5-2 is possible with 0 but I couldn't make it work out, the wheel of the carriage just can't get past that obstacle without at least one corpse there. Ironically, it's only on 1-3, before they even explain the use of the shift button to commit suicide, that it is necessary to perform that function for optimal results, it's not necessary on the others to win them with the minimum number of deaths.

[Kitty Force 10]

Yay I won. I was ALMOST at the point where I could stand no more too. The part where you had to bounce off the series of pellets without missing any, that was INTOLERABLE.

By the way, you should change it so that:

1. The timers don't disappear when you get them. And the ones that only give you 1 second instead of 10 seconds, won't just continuously respawn and bring your time up to 10, but will just respawn once per second. This isn't really an unfair advantage for the player, because he'll not be able to make any progress forward if he stays in one place where the timer is.

2. Make it so you can restart from the last checkpoint immediately. A lot of the time - especially in that second to last sequence where you bounce off the series of pellets - I found myself with 3 or nearly 3 hearts and quite a few seconds I didn't want to have to wait for, because I already precluded the possibility of continuing, but I couldn't die right away, I had to sit there and wait for the better part of 10 seconds. How about the "r" button, for restart?