zortharg's movie Reviews on Newgrounds

[Nyan Cat - Genre Hopping]

Crapface that was impressive. I despise Nyan Cat but this manages to make it a million times cooler. No wait. This manages to make it -0.1 times cooler. Since it has a very very negative coolness already.

The music is impressive. You very professionally modified the music in various ways, from the "on hold" music to the UFO flying saucer music with the theremin, to the first one with the ancient cartoon with the piano track, and the Dukes of Hazard one and the bar in Star Wars. Oh THOSE LAST 2 are why I undoubtedly have to give it 5 stars. Also, by changing the music every few seconds, it keeps it from getting repetitive. Which is what is the single most hateable thing about Nyan Cat.

Are the headbanging rockers that come after the Star Wars bar and the gloved hand walking on the piano keyboard, are they Limozeen from homestarruner.com?

WoodTick responds:

Thanks for the review! Sadly, no, there's no homestarrunner reference in this video. The headbanging part is supposed to be Dethklok from Metalocalypse.

[Mario Finds The Cat Suit]

Hmph. Mostly the same joke as the "Cat Suit Mario" from ebolaworld at the end of 2013. Just not as funny. Also not true. I had 2 cats as a kid and both would stay by my bed when I was sick, so don't tell me they don't give a shit as an invariant species trait. They're also quite capable of getting jealous, so they not only care about you, they care about what you care about.

[Internet Withdrawal]

Must be a very long lived Guinea Pig if it remembers All Your Base. It's over 9000 is constantly brought up again, but almost no one ever mentions All Your Base any more.

I'm almost surprised to see this wasn't made by filmcow. Eh, on second thought, if Filmcow had made it, he would have likely actually shown the bear eating him after after he was covered in fish. And the other one's motive for covering him in fish to attract bears wouldn't have been to put him out of his misery but just because he'd be a sadistic killer.

[Tank]

I could kick his ass. Because I know his weakness. The way to defeat him is to pull the pin on his "cup". His last words will be "Oh god no, I can't unfasten it from my crotch in time, what was I thinking, oh why did I use a grenade as a shield for my..."

You describe him as a "hero" taking out "bad guys"? In what sense was he the good guy and how were they bad guys? He smashed his bike into their establishment shooting first and then murdered anyone who fired back and also plenty who never fired a shot or aimed a gun at him. He's the bad guy. What, they're all "bad guys" just because they're sitting around a tough guy bar doing tough guy things? Or was it because they defended themselves against the invader who broke in guns blazing with guns of their own, and anyone who carries a gun is by definition a villain, unless they are playing the role of a hero? So they all deserve to die because they went to the wrong bar at the wrong time, and he's a hero for killing them unprovoked? Or is there a back story? Like everyone in the bar cooperated to kidnap his girlfriend or something? Yeah, I don't see that happening.

PsychoSpider responds:

The story behind Tank is that he is a part of a group nicknamed "Semi-Super", they are called that because they are not all heroes, and not all villains, but a mix of everything. Tank was born to fight, but when he was expelled from the military he no longer found a reason for it. A "super" named Gigabyte found him and gave him a reason again, and Tank continued to do what he does best for the sake of his own fighting code of honor. The story behind the bar is that he is given intel that a notorious biker gang uses it as a headquarters, and in order to prevent them from causing further damage to the people of the city, he had to bust in and break some heads open.

I hope this answered all of your questions.

[What if Hitler Lived?]

I did NOT see THAT COMING! Ha ha! WOW! I was so hung up on how they should be talking to Hitler in German in his trial and not in English since he didn't speak English, that it made the shock of what came next all the more absolute.

[SELFIE-Inflicted]

Ooooh. THAT'S what a selfie is. After watching theamazingatheist's video Teen Charged With "Child Porn" For Naked Selfies I thought a Selfie was a porno you make of yourself. So based on the title, I was imagining this would be about someone hurting himself while trying to make a naughty video of himself. Hmmm. This video would probably be funnier if it contained anything I could relate to though. Considering I've never used facebook or heard of that game. Or used a cellphone to take pictures. Well, I have been run over by a car. That sucked. Lost my sense of hearing in my left ear and the witch who did it got off scott free by lying to the cops about what happened. Got him to give me a jaywalking ticket, while she explained over my bleeding body that this crazy jogger came out of nowhere and took a swan dive into her windshield. Yes sir, I just broke my own skull and broke several ribs and nearly severed my left arm apparently. Wow, I must have really taken quite a running dive, didn't I! I must have been running as fast as a car can drive!

[Mario's Biggest Fan]

Meh. It would be good on its own if it was made in a vacuum. But not good enough to justify its existence considering it's not exactly a new idea. And the other times it's been done, it's been better than this. Like here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TdczoetXk4

and here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qo4LckNc-mo

[Exponential Battle]

Ha ha, I think planet-destroying power is a LITTLE bit more than 2^30/10^3 x power if regular believable human ability is from 1/10^3 through 2^12/10^3 x power. One day when I was bored, I figured it out at and to blow up the Earth it takes about 2 x 10^32 Joules. That is the energy yield of 1 trillion tons of antimatter annihilating with 1 trillion tons of matter. Roughly 500 times the mass of Mount Everest. Or about the amount of energy the sun radiates in one week. Not the sunlight hitting the Earth, but the sunlight in all directions. For something the mass of a human to produce that amount of energy, he'd have to have a perpetual motion machine inside of him, to produce the energy from nowhere.

Not a fan of stick fights in general, but I'm glad I clicked on it just based on the title. It kind of highlights the basic cliche glossed-over premise of these things. I like to imagine a what-if scenario, of what if majin boo was released at the beginning of Dragonball rather than the end of dbz. How lucky they were that EVERY time they faced a new opponent, it was always coincidentally someone of the same order of magnitude of strength as they were. If the heros of the show had fought the antagonists in ANY other order, they'd have been totally screwed. Because let's face it, goku at the beginning of db was basically about as powerful as Mr. Satan. Maybe a little bit less, actually. I just blew your mind by pointing that out to you, didn't I?

[Why Cops Give Tickets]

I have a joke for you: What happened to the schoolyard bully who was too stupid to pass a math class, so he threatened the smart kid with violence to do his homework, and then extorted him for money and then forced him to drink his bodily fluids, and then went home to do his favorite thing, which was to torture small furry animals? Give up? He grew up. And became a cop. I tell that joke to the con artists who call me on the phone claiming to represent policemen and ask for "donations".

This is so true, but it's also only the tip of the iceberg. They make decisions arbitrarily. I was run down by a woman who ran a red light to hit me as I crossed a crosswalk. She told the cop that some crazed jogger took a swan dive into her windshield. And what did he do? He came to me in intensive care as I was coming out of a coma from having my skull fractured, while I was strapped into a bed, my left arm nearly torn off, to write me a jaywalking citation. And then, because she said I was a crazed sprinting jogger, and he noticed I had an express mail package in my hands (with myself as the return address), and was 300 feet away from a post office, CLEARLY, Sherlock reasoned, the most likely explanation was that I was fleeing from the post office after stealing mail from them, that must have been why I was running, since the woman who hit me said I was running. So as I was semiconscious in intensive care, he also tried to get me to implicate myself for stealing mail in addition to telling me the woman's version of events as if it was what happened, and he visited the post office, and tried to get them to implicate me. He wrote me a ticket for 56 dollars and wrote up a police report that favored the driver, which her insurance company denied a claim based on, and went home to his 400 thousand dollar house, after another day in his 6 figure income career. Cops, you see, they don't care WHO gets the ticket. Just so long as SOMEONE else pays for their donuts.

[The Chess Shot]

Not necessarily so Eclissato, the king wanders out to the middle of the board, that's stupid, and I've beaten many games by checkmating with pawns, sometimes in the middle of the board. And been beated a few times that way myself. Not that I moved my king to the middle of the board, but that I was checkmated with a pawn, usually on the last rank before being promoted.

Not a very new idea. Oh gee, anthropomorphic chess pieces fighting, I've never seen that before. Well, 'sokay I guess.