zortharg's movie Reviews on Newgrounds

[TimeTravel]

Well he sure showed him! Ba-dum bum! Me, if I could go back to 2009 I wouldn't cut anyone's arm off, I'd buy Saga communications for 84 cents a share, it's like 50 dollars now. Or sirius xm sattelite radio. Or screw that, just buy a frigging lottery ticket but then that's so cliche.

[Christlan the Jesus Lion]

Ha ha, Xenu. Yes, kids, of course, it's Xenu! Him coming back to life was symbolic of the re-emergence of Thetans after being blown up by H-bombs at the base of a volcano, or however it goes. That's why he wouldn't shut up about Adam and Eve. Oh wait, I know who he is? He's not George Takai or Barack Obama, he's Eddie Izzard! The stupid lion is an allegory for Eddie Izzard!

But in what sense is Lord of the Rings a Christianity allegory, much less Gandalf an allegory for Jesus? I thought it was a random splash of Norse legends and, er, Dungeons and Dragons or something. I'm just kidding, I know it predates Dungeons and Dragons.

Who did the boy say before Muhammad? I can't make it out?

dogsinthecathouse responds:

The boy says "Buddha" before Muhammad. And yeah, I never really got the whole Gandalf Jesus-allegory thing either, I was just basing that on some Christian book my mom gave me when I was younger claiming "The Lord of the Rings" was really all about Jesus.
Thanks for watching, and thanks for the review! :D

[The Alphabet Song]

Oooh, I see why this was in Alex Traynor's favorites. I'm reminded of the demotivator that shows a picture of a terrifying dirty white anonymous van with "free candy" painted in sloppy letters on the side, and the caption "trust: with out it, you'll never get any free candy". This guy must be the driver of that van. Yikes. It's a wonder anyone in the world is allowed to teach or tutor kids, just on the off chance he'll be this guy.

Also, I've never seen a "replay" button do that before. I don't normally hit it but did based on some of the comments below.

So be sure to hit the replay button at the end. And if you leave a comment yourself, pass it on.

[Thanksgiving Zebra Joke]

Where's the joke? You know what a joke would be? A zebra who was adopted by lion parents having thanksgiving dinner with his adopted parents, who choose that moment to tell him he's adopted. Oh, and by the way, we're all eating your real parents right now. Mom lion: "Well Norman. I have good news and bad news. The good news as that we tracked down your biological parents. The BAD news, is that when I said we should have them for dinner, SOMEONE missed the point." (dad lion looks away and starts whistling). THAT would be a joke. This is not.

[How Not to Time Travel.]

The best time travel story ever, with the exception of Donny Darko. Please let me use your garbage truck! I need to get to 1996! Or at least 1997.

I remember watching this on albinoblacksheep at the end of 2009, it picked me up a little (unjustifiably) from the depths of despair, and temporarily gave me a high opinion of albinoblacksheep (also unjustifiably). For a while, I was thinking that youtube was all flotsam and crap, TRULY everything by everyone, that newgrounds was more exclusive and better, and then that albinoblacksheep was more exclusive and higher quality still, the crem de la crem. But it seems that albinoblacksheep is just pretty much dead actually. So sad. Also I discovered later it suspiciously seemed they had a political agenda of an axe to grind, and one I didn't agree with, when I saw an extreme right-wing propaganda video they were promoting about how overpopulation is all a myth and insulted anyone with an opposing opinion whether they presented evidence or not (actually referred to Thomas Malthus as a man who "considered himself" a mathematician). But albinoblacksheep aside, Alex Traynor is still the best. Check out his youtube videos too, he's got some live acted things that are good too, in his usual not-afraid-to-say-anything style. Be sure to watch pixellated and pixellated 2 as well. I went back to see the alex traynor videos just now because I was just watching the movie Cockneys vs. Zombies and the 2 protagonists in that really reminded me of the 2 main characters in pixellated, ha ha (they even have a job working for meals on wheels!) and I was like "you know who these 2 people are? They're the 2 people from....".

Note, there is a bug in this though. When he goes back and kills Hitler, and then goes back again, and then goes back a third time, one of his 2 previous selves standing there should be covered in blood, but neither are. Oh well, he's not going to fix it after all this time. Also I'm not so sure about the punchline at the end. He'd know if he was merely "on drugs" already. What he might not have been aware of is if he was trippin' at the moment. So the thing he should have realized at the end should have been more like "I was totally high off my rocker on drugs", not just "I was on drugs".

[Chatty Katty]

I was watching anonymously but signed in just to give it 5 stars because the cat's instant extreme ADHD mood swings were among the funniest things I have ever seen. Tom Green if he was turned into a cat. And adopted by a scientist and lived in a laboratory. Maybe the scientist is the one who did it. A mad scientist.

[Furry Random Stuffs 2]

I was going to give it a 3 but Robotnik moving an identical rock (By hand! Which means he's much stronger than Sonic and Tails put together since they couldn't budge the one at the bottom) to plug the top of the tunnel made me upgrade it to a 4. That's the problem with the Sonic franchise, if all else was equal, I would totally root for Robotnik. Then again, it would be kind of hard to make a game where you play Robotnik, it would involve designing robots to defeat the mutant animals that come at your genius with brute force. Then again, that's kind of why it's also hard not to root for Lex Luthor IMHO.

[StarFox excelent adventur]

Totally solid all the way through. I knew I would regret giving pity points to things that didn't make me want to commit suicide right there on the spot, and 4.5 stars to things that were good but not great, because now I want to give this a 6. And I've never even played the starfox games, with the exception of the playable in-store demonstration stands 20+ years ago when the first one came out. Every minute gesture is perfection as well, especially the Spock one-eyebrow-raise Fox made right after the disembodied head and hands first made its appearance.

[Dental Appointment]

Taking the Monty Python dancing teeth up a notch. Wow, the maker of the asdfmovies and Mr. Cat collaborated with Harry Partridge, maker of Dr. Bees and that HORRIBLY NIGHTMARISH Nicholas Cage wanting cake thing in 2010. I feel it ought to be far more outrageous and disturbing and awesome than this.