zortharg's game Reviews on Newgrounds

[Quick Sand]

WOW! When you put out No Time To Explain, I looked up your other games and all I found was that forgettable Dick About in a Spaceship but obviously I should have looked deeper! And to think, I found this not by searching your stuff but rather because it was one of the first games that came up when I searched "Trapped", because I was playing the Trapped series. And it's from 2010 for crying out loud, I should have found it. What's with that hair though. I was thinking you'd reused the sound effects from No Time but no, this came first. Small world. Or at least small flash game world. To come upon the same guy's work out of the massive set of stuff on Newgrounds, 2 different ways.

[-TRAPPED-]

I did not understand the ending. I'm not piqued enough to try it again to see if I can save the girl. So is the ending that I'm the kidnapper instead of the rich person? A key hidden in a fake finger, which is kept in a wallet. Ooookkkkkk. Contrived, anyone? Well, at least it's not one of those bathroom escape type games where I can't figure out what I need to do to win and just give up, it was a challenge but not too much of a challenge to proceed through. Why is my memory gone then? By the way, unless it was a really low power 22 caliper bullet, a bullet would puncture way deeper through that book, if not completely go through it. There was something about that on mythbusters at some point, shooting books with various kinds of bullets, though I don't know if that was by the summer of 2006. July 31 2006, a very bad day for me, and this was 6 days earlier....

[Ucogi - Solitaire Quest]

Great. A mediocre story is "enhanced" by forcing me to play the most boring game ever invented - over and over again - between every page of the story to get to the next one. What, to liven it up? The same reason the chick's got ridiculously huge breasts I guess, anything to misdirect you from being bored. You know what? NEEDS MORE COWBELL! I do like how the "ghosts" look like Orko from He-Man though. All you Millennials, you weren't born yet for that. I wonder if the creator did that deliberately or if it's a coincidence. I vowed never to play windows solitaire again after winning it 8 times in a row, I thought that was a worthy end to it. So been there, done that. Hey HERE'S an idea. A story which has a game of MINESWEEPER in between every minimal story development! THAT would be a marginal improvement I think!

[Hard Quiz]

The correct answers:

1. Beaver times horse times the sine of the angle between them. Ok I stole that joke from joking with Einstein, but it's a good one.
2. To get away from this game.
3. I dream of a world where neither religion nor rappers no one will remember tomorrow who I'd never heard of before and had to look up on wikipedia can find any foothold in stupid flash games.
4. Yes, kill it with fire. But it's still not enough to get you half a star in this rating.
5. I don't know, but hopefully it clawed your eyes out in midair so that you can't make any more games.
6. Who cares.
7. Oh, like that's going to fool anyone. Also it's unoriginal.
8. NO! I want to click on the BROWN guy. I want to click on someone the same color as Barack Obama!
9. I don't know who many of those people are, but it would be funny if Sarah Palin did have 3 nipples. Especially if one of them was on her face.
10. How EVER will I figure out where the circle is. I am completely stumped. It's not like the o in for being solid black emphasizes it in any way, no sir, my eyes are totally not drawn straight to it.

MichaelDomingues responds:

Thanks man! I really like your game too :) Keep up the good work! And thanks for the time to make that wonderful comment! I really look forward to seeing more of your games. I also really liked your ONE awesome art you made too!

[Babushka]

I'm all for games where you have to think outside the box - and suddenly giving granny the ability to multiple-jump/fly once she has to get past spikes and whatnot in dungeons is a good touch.... partially because it doesn't take TOO long to discover accidentally that you have that new ability, while before you were doing things limited to jumping when she's supported only by having her chin on a shelf or more possible maneuvers. But the last 2 levels.... the 2nd to last one, with the woman suspended from chains saying "get out, there's nothing interesting here" and you just stand there and do nothing while you wait for 10 cats to fall from above, and trying to get past that rotating grinding gear being a red herring, not a fan of that. And the last one. I don't have any idea what to do there. When these games require you to stumble upon a black swan event to proceed, that's just poor conceptualization in the game design. What am I supposed to do when apparently the space bar (and the a button which lets me restart the level or go back to the menu) is the only thing that has an effect, which just makes her jump/fly and there's nothing to do in the room? That's no fun. NOT a lot of laughs. So what do I do to win the last level? I've wasted enough of my life already trying to find that out.

immor7al, spiderman can't fly....

[Coined Up]

Oh for pete's sake, the least you could do is make some kind of a stock market simulation if it's just going to be trying to pick random numbers. Something more dynamic than this.

[Orbital Debris]

I said to myself I would quit when I lasted a minute, and then suddenly I lasted 104.15 seconds so I made it to 100 and not just 60. But it looked like Firefox was about to crash when it really got a lot of crap on the screen. It slowed way down. There were LOTS on the screen.

Problems with the physics I want to remark on: There is no "momentum" carrying you to a higher circular orbit. In other words, a satellite in orbit but moving away from the Earth at the moment, shouldn't spiral out from the planet! There are circular orbits and elliptical orbits and hyperbolic orbits. Also, when you ARE in a circular orbit, your orbital speed should be LESS when you're at a higher altitude. It's bad enough that it follows a circular path with constant angular rotation speed but with the radius of the circle having "momentum", but at least have orbital speed decrease with the square root of the distance.

What an incompetent planet of people. They can't launch 4 satellites into orbit without 2 of them having a collision course. This must be after George W. Bush is put in charge of NASA.

[Trapped 5]

I have completely exhausted all possibilities. The only remote possibilities are the room 1 left and below the starting room, which has a door which expects a password which I don't have, and the special blocks with checkmark characters on them which turn red briefly when you detonate a bomb next to them. But dozens of bombs don't blow them up. I have not found a blank key to turn into an orange key with 50 coins in the shop. I eventually bought the complete map, which was completely useless, and also left me with less than 50 coins so even if I did find the blank key I couldn't get it since I've killed all enemies in all accessible rooms so there's no more coins to be had without getting access to more rooms. But that's not possible anyway, since there is none in any of the accessible rooms. I'm SOL and I'm tired of this.

MakeItSoGames responds:

You get the password after you beat the first boss.

[Think Up]

Oofta. I'm not going to go for the "beast" achievement. Even I'm not awesome enough to do that without being committed to it. And I'm not committed to it, I'd rather forget all about this game thank you very much. But I got all 7 of the other things. The only regret is that it's not possible to kill all the bats because some of them are in places you can't squeeze boxes into.

[Rooftop Challenge]

Playing this POS makes me want to play the REAL Canabalt game again. Seriously. What's the point of making a less good remake of a game that already exists? What. Do you need someone to give you ideas for a game? If I could actually write a program that didn't fall to pieces because it has bugs in it that I can never figure out, one thing I would not be deficient in is ideas for game premises. That's the easy part.