zortharg's movie Reviews on Newgrounds

[Flowerman]

And then the petals fell off from around his head and he was henceforth known as..... SLENDERMAN! Bua ha ha ha! Oh, a cartoon chase where someone's trying to get away from someone else and the other one doesn't know why the first one is fleeing. Yeah, that's not cliche and done to death at all.

[How To Get Ripped Fast]

Ha ha. "True story" it says at the beginning. You know, if you're going to try to be realistic and note that the travel time from the sun to the Earth at the speed of light is a tad over 8 minutes and so if the sun exploded that's how long it would take for us to know about it, you might have considered doing that in a video where you don't neglect how long it would take for him to get to - what was that, Saturn, and a few others? To get to the outer planets and bring them to the sun, because that would be quite a bit longer, several hours. Yeah, of course, the whole thing is ridiculous, but I'm just saying. I've seen something like this before but I can't remember where.... it's not anything like a monty python sketch. Damn, I don't remember.

[Time Machine]

Meh. Hackneyed premise based on fallacious logic, and a totally expected outcome. Scientists don't experiment on the rats just because they're bigger and stronger and the rats are helpless to stop them from doing it. Let's see the big ogre creatures in the distant past build something even more amazing than a frigging time machine and then we can judge who is superior to whom.

[Spirit Animal]

Ahh, who's imagining whom. He's a man's body but with a fox head and a fox tail but hoofs? That's weird. So, the trip was, the guy who smoked the pipe dreamed he was the FOX-GOAT-MAN visiting HIMSELF then? Or was he a FOX-GOAT-MAN who dreamed he was a naked man who smoked a pipe and dreamed he was a fox-goat-man visiting his naked human self? I'ma need some help figuring out this one. Where'd I put my magic mushrooms?

[What To Say To Your Crush]

Hello! I'm the bad advice fairy! And I'm going to tell you what to ACTUALLY say to your crush. Best pick up lines for guys:

1. I want to wear your skin.
2. I have irritable bowel syndrome. Sometimes.... sometimes the diaper.... leaks.
3. Aardvark aardvark aardvark aardvark anteater!
4. I can turn my penis inside out.
5. Wanna see the scar from when I tried to castrate myself?
6. I think you're pretty. Pretty fat! I'm just kidding. I can see you eat like a bird. That is, a VULTURE!
7. Ever done it with a guy who was born with anal scent glands?
8. I've always had a thing for dumb blondes. Share a drink?
9. A man's brain is bigger than a woman's brain.
10. Most of the women I've been with have told me I was the best they've ever had.

Best pick up lines for girls:

1. I've had 3 husbands and have gotten lots of money from them!
2. One of my kids, the second one from my first husband, just killed one of his classmates for being gay. Praise Jesus!
3. If you have pot I'll go out with you.
4. My herpes has gone into remission. It's now or never.
5. Wow, you don't sound black at all, I almost can forget that you are!
6. I think you are sexy because you look like you have a lot of money.
7. You're pretty smart. You know, at least for the way you look.
8.... due to the shortage of possible things a woman can say to dissuade a man from wanting to go to bed with her, this list has been abbreviated.

Just remember. Follow my advices! I put the KNEE in AGONY!

[Robotic]

Talk about a sequel not living up to the original. Or prequel. Whatever. There was a point to the first one. "Kill every living thing that moves". Epic just following of instructions right there. But this, not so much. And I remember it, like 4 years later. This, I won't remember it very well if at all in a year. Also, any song that NEEDS subtitles loses some points just for that. Just like filmcow and his robot ice cream sandwich in "In This Box". Brilliant premise, but no idea what the robot's saying until you read the subs. I get it, they're robots, that doesn't mean you have to make their voices unintelligible.

[Birthdays as a Grown-Up]

Yes, I remember the first time I told people I was 100 years old on my birthday. Sure, the bewildered stares, the disbelievement, the free tubes of denture cream they give me as a joke, which I then squirt into their shoes when they're not looking, it's all great fun the first few dozen times. But at some point, they start to wise up to it. And after doing that for a couple of decades, it's just no fun any more. Well, all those people are dead now anyway. But now, I just avoid attention in every way altogether. A shadow no one quite remembers, that's me.

[Tron Guy Legacy]

Fat guy on a moped that's way too small for him, it's a classic. Now I want to watch the movie "The first 20 million is always the hardest" again. Also the hulk tv show because of the music. Nah, never mind, that show was stupid. My favorite martian, now that was bill bixby at his best.

[It's just a mask -TMNT tr]

Ha ha! Oh that is fucking BRILLIANT! And I did NOT see that coming. Michael Bay, the schmuck thinks he is worthy of screwing with the most celebrated icons. And it's totally out of left field for him. What the hell is he going to do next, make a live acted Sonic the Hedgehog movie? The thought of that gives me shivers. Although I'll admit the original TMNT, movie wasn't very good, so it's not like a shoddy remake of a classic, though it certainly is going to be an insult to the tv shows. You know what, they should have Fred Wolf be the director of the damn thing, that's how it would get made right. He's the one who made the original cartoon. Along with some other watchable cartoons like the Zorro cartoon.

[Scorpion Swagger]

Meh. Something along the line of "cooking with scorpion" would have been much funnier even though this is attempting to pretty much be the same exact joke, having scorpion do something inane. It needs to be something out of character but completely serious in some sense. Like a video art class or a tutorial on how to use windows XP home edition, given by scorpion. And in the middle of it, he'll take out his axe and destroy the easel or the computer or something. But this, is nothing.