zortharg's movie Reviews on Newgrounds

[Forgotten Vegeta]

You EEEEeeeeedioT! Yes uberbuddha, I WAS thinking he sounded like Ren! I didn't even watch the end of that stupid Kung Pow movie let alone the special features so I wouldn't know anything about that.

Yeah, I don't like the animation. It's vile and it should be rated M at LEAST to boot, not T. Except for the starting image with the "play movie" button, that looks like a trollface rendition of Vegeta (and it doesn't hurt that it's accompanied by singing much like that Russian trololololollllo guy to go with it), now that's art right there, so I give it 3.5 instead of 2.5 for that alone.

[The Steven Seagal Show #2]

I have that same dream. That donkey. And its eyes. ITS EYES!!!! I was going to say something about how I could kinda believe Steven Seagal could do this, but that it didn't make any sense that they would all be rushing to attack him. But of course. A dream. Why not.

What I really have to wonder about is what Steven Seagal thinks of these videos, if he knows about them. Oh wait.... no, no! The first was in January 2012, the next one less than 3 months later, and now it has been almost another 21 months and there's no part 3. It can only mean.... STEVEN SEAGAL GOT TO YOU! Oh, ken9000, why, oh why, oh, the humanity. You had to go piss off Steven Seagal and get your neck broken and your brain torn straight out of your stomach. We had such good times together. Sigh. We're gonna miss you bro.

[The Steven Seagal Show #1]

Hmmmm. How did he take off his black long-sleeve shirt/jacket without noticing the old man corpse though? As oblivious as he might have been to the weight of the thing, one moment he's checking his mailbox with the jacket clearly scrunched up on his upper arm, the next he's sitting in his underwear and an undershirt watching TV with no jacket. There's no way he could have gotten the jacket off without cutting it off, unless it was stretchy enough to go over not just his arm but the whole old man body!

Oh wait, I KNOW! How does Steven Seagal undress? He just flexes his muscles and all the clothes just fly everywhere in tiny little tatters. Of course. Except his undershirt and underwear, apparently, that's apparently Steven-Seagal-muscle-flex-proof, it has to be, otherwise he would have had to PUT THEM ON after shredding what he was wearing before.

I just loved the scene with Sylvester Stallone, being unintelligible as usual. All it needed was Chuck Norris there too, doing some stupid Chuck Norris thing and the picture would be complete.

Be sure to watch the bloopers at the end.

[Da Widdle Mermaid]

HA HA HA HA! I was looking for the lemondemon little mermaid parody where she gets 8 legs (because things are not best on youtube) but I'd say this is somehow even BETTER than that! That was brilliant! How is this rated so low? It's sheer genius! A serendipitous treat that fell straight off the creativitymobile.

[Apple's Shocking iPhone]

If two of them gave each other a french kiss, would that count as oral sex or regular sex? And just where DO they keep their genitals? Not on top of their shoulders apparently. Maybe on the bottoms of their feet. That was an allusion to "Real Genius"..... pure communication.

What are you talking about Cacalatoso, this is totally something SL COULD have written. If you want be disappointed by some of his creations, check out some of his early works from before he got his act together, like "Fernandohyde", watch that and this back to back and you'll WISH this was the one he wrote between the two of them.

[Ask Al: "Animal Heaven"]

Ha ha, and you thought it was bad when he got confused over Superman's relationship with kryptonite, now he gets mixed up between dogs and goldfish. He should have mentioned that humans don't go to human heaven either, I'm guessing he was afraid of getting a bad reaction from the fundies who think humans aren't animals.

[Ask Al: "Superheros"]

Guitarlover865 what do you expect. He's a frigging pidgeon? He knows more about batman and superman than most birds. Unless you're counting.... the PENGUIN!!!! Bua ha ha ha! Oh wait, I mean wah wah wah wah wah!!!! Seriously though, why would anyone even debate superman vs. batman. It should at least be batman vs. Remo Williams. Remo would win of course, but it wouldn't be quite as absurd a matchup.

[Ask Al: "Cold Noses"]

Hmm, reminds me of the "goatman" sketches on SNL, or was that mad tv? Where he's talking normally but interrupts his speech every so often to say "meeeeeehhhhh!!!!" like a goat. Is he supposed to be a pidgeon version of Al Pacino? Just based on the name. I don't see a resemblance in mannerisms.

[BEEBO Part 1]

4.5 stars instead of 5 because I think what with a cat that looks like that, he shouldn't meow pathetically, he should talk and sound like Barry White. Frigging evil cat, at least he's easy to find when he's trying to hide, just follow the smoke. Oh, and the pope talks in Jabba speak!

[Grape]

As experimental white and black (or rather whatever color you choose and black) animation goes, I'd call that a successful experiment. An idea, rather than just it being monotome whatever color the user picks, there could be more varied options, like plaid, and swirl, and a time-changing rainbow pattern - in other words, a mask of some rainbow colored fractal which is variably covered up with black. That would be way cooler than just one color solid for the non-black regions.